10/29 (19:13) I had to delete my social media recently due to the impulsion of lashing out on him. More so a slip of insanity. The options that I have in my life are not much to choose from, and they all include having to involve the people I was born with even though I should have moved out by now. Actually, If I didn't care like back then, I would have given myself away to be sexually used. To feel the constant torment of being worth nothing, in the arms of a man who think he can control me. That was my life back then. Maybe I'm so far behind due to my own faults. What was the meaning of 2025 if I couldn't be free then? To test me for 2026? This whole year I have been out of it. I thought I could leave on the train to finally be free, but only ended up much worse. So i'm going back after 4 months tomorrow. I hate having people involved. And I hate looking like an idiot. But what else am I supposed to do? I thought of doing work from a motel, but that wouldn't have been a good option either. I have lost the ability to be a human, so I haven't been outside in a long time. Being tormented in the dark feels more real than the world outside, despite the beauty of it. My life has been a loop of sex work and no consciousness. But I have to get myself together, and that won't be possible unless I go back. I need to finally have a steady income. No more money disappearing from my account. I need to improve my credit as well. And I need to be consistent. I will be able to work properly, but I want to get my stability back on track. When I finally have a home in the next few months, I can afford to let out all the pain and agony. I thought of going homeless plenty of times as well, but If I want him back.. I need to focus.