I miss myself more than anything. It used to be him. I haven’t seen him in a very long time. It was strange that day, 2 years ago.
But being with him , ties down to everything. Like having myself back. I miss her more than anything. When I’m gone, i’m not coming back. Not until a few years I mean. And I don’t want to be found. I said I get sick and don’t want to have to deal with anyone. But I don’t have any other choice, and realistically.. it was always supposed to be like this.
But when I see him again, I think the pain of not being loved will water down, since I have more important things that will happen. I’ve been stuck for so long. And mentioned the horrifying year of being trapped in those walls. I ended up having to see family again a few weeks ago. Over 16 months later. I hate it. I think of my disgusting self as a child and having to be alone. I don’t actually hate my family. But it’s like they’re just as much as strangers like everyone else in this world, except strangers I was forced to see my whole life without no choice. When I remember the days of my early childhood(only the very early days), I’ll remember the bitter sweet memories for sure. And I’ll remember my mom and dad, and how I’m not truly their child. And how they could somehow give birth to me.
I actually want to be an adult, I rather die than have to be a child again.
When I’m back with family, they see me as a naive kid. Who’s stubborn and won’t take advice of anything. They don’t even know my life and what happened to me while I left at 17 years old.
The way I talk and move around them is weird as well. It reminds me of when I was a kid. I’m not real around them. Not my voice, my face, the way i talk, the way I smile, the way i live. It was always like that. Such a disgusting child.No one actually knows me. When I have myself back, I know at least I can give myself love and care when no one else can. I can’t wait to be a real. I can’t wait to be finally free.
