I don’t think I actually care as much anymore when it comes to seeing him, rather than being able to break free from something that really shouldn’t have went on for so long. I always told myself that If I somehow made it to the age of 18, I would leave everything behind for good. I turned 18 near the start of 2025. And although I had left my parents at the time for nearly a year and a half, I wasn’t free. Actually, I was suffocating within the walls tragically. Everything is a blur still, because i’m still not free. I’m aggravated . At everything he caused me. I don’t actually want to deal with people. I don’t even care about being loved anymore. I need a place to go.
And it’s not like I even had a choice to be with him. I didn’t. So even the love I had for him was really just the love and care I had for him when I would see him as a little boy. To take care of him. And have something so sweet that I could never feel when I was a child. When I think of myself as a child, everything turns disgusting.
He doesn’t understand what he put me through. How terrifying everything was, on top of not having anyone. While I was always there for him when he needed me. I have given him over 4,000 dollars. It makes me angry when I think of the way he has treated me, the way I have been humiliated, the way he makes me hate myself. All while him knowing nothing about me. Actually, everything was ruined when he decided to go back to his mom’s . He kicked her out originally, nearly 2 years ago. I was always there for him. I don’t remember the first memory I have of seeing him, but I do know I was born without a choice to be connected to him. It makes me so disgusted and angry when I think of him now. People disgust me. So i really just love the sweetness of a child in which I can care for. People disgust me, and all they do is excuse their pain to hurt others. It disgusts me when I’m thought of as an idiot who is blind of love to be taken advantage of from a guy who is older than me. It’s disgusting. Do you really think i would ruin my whole life for some guy?
I hate being humiliated. As if I’m weak as if he knew anything of what happened to me all because of HIM and how he can’t do anything. And it hurts that he still loves another girl from the past. It’s been over 2 years of all this. I’m sick and disgusted by everyone. So I love him and that boy who’s sweet.
Mother.
People really do disgust me.
